Of all the misconceptions about love, the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that falling in love is love or at least one of the manifestations of love, -M. Scott Peck

People who are married or are in committed relationships live healthier, wealthier, and happier. So why do so many marriages end up in divorce?

The answers to these questions are plentiful, but the main reason is simple. It’s easy to “fall” in love, but very few people know how to stay in love. Even though staying in love is our “smartest” choice all the way around! Recent studies on marriage prove it’s one of the major ingredients in life-long success for men and women. It lengthens life, substantially boost physical and emotional health, and raises income over that of single or divorced people or those who live together. Marriage has also been found to boost happiness, reduce the degree of depression, and provide protection from sexually transmitted diseases. So let’s wake up, make up, and turn this trend around! One of the most startling pieces of evidence that shows people are not in touch with what’s really going on in their partnerships is the fact that the majority of people who file for divorce say they didn’t think there was a relationship-threatening problem just six months prior to breaking up. Another shocker is that most couples wait six years or more to seek professional help when their relationship is in danger. By the time they do wake up and smell the coffee, it’s often too late. Truly there is no reason to resign you to a bad relationship whether you’re dating or married. Rather when changing partners and ending up this same predicament again, you can learn to have a fabulous relationship with the partner you already have!

Getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem, because half of the “problem” is yours. You can walk out on your marriage, but you can’t run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try! Rather than blaming each other, couples can learn how to work as a team and coach each other through the troubled times and power struggles. To do this, you must create a “safe” relationship so you can express your needs and fears and effectively resolve anger and conflict. More relationships break up because people don’t know how to validate each other (that frustration escalates to become anger) than for any other reason. This is truly a shame, because the skills for “fighting fair” are very easy to master with just a little practice and patience.

One of the biggest causes to unresolved anger between people is a lack of understanding. Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, different ways of expressing ourselves and different “childhood wound” that we’re trying to heal. While it may seem like we’re from different planets we are actually very much alike when it comes to our need and desire for love and intimacy. We only behave differently in our quests for closeness. Stop doing what you think is “fair” or “right” and start doing what works! It’s not about “working harder” it’s about “working smarter”. Couples can stay together only if they wake up their love and need for each other and make a conscious choice to commit to the relationship, move toward forgiveness, and stay together.

Dead ends are turning points
Those of you who believe you’ve reached a dead end in your relationship or in your dating are actually at the perfect point to turn things around. Whether you’re struggling with a relationship stalemate, frustrated by not being able to get past the third date, concerned about your long-distance relationship, or grinding gears instead of enjoying the shifts and changes that go hand in hand with relationship building you can learn how to make up, stay together, and move forward toward real and lasting love. Too many people break up before they make up a solid couple. At the onset of a relationship or marriage, there’s fascination, the promise of untold happiness, and the thrill of the chase. But at some point things begin to change. One partner may begin to withdraw for no obvious reason, leaving the once-pursued confused and insecure. At this point many relationships stop before they’ve really started. There comes a point in every relationship where we either wake up, or we break up.

Every relationship holds the potential for “sudden shutdowns”. What’s both exciting and stunning is that this turn of events can actually solidify your partnership if you know what to do. There is no perfect relationship or person out there, so stop looking for perfection and work with the partner you have or the one you’re about to start a relationship with. Don’t wait for the “right time”, move now! Every relationship offers the experience we need to perfect our skills. In fact, the relationship process offers the perfect opportunity for personal as well as relationship growth.

Most relationships can be saved but you have to wake up, shake up and possibly even break up before you can make up. Married couples can learn how to stay together and reap the harvest of real and lasting love. Singles can learn how to keep a relationship growing, instead of stopping it before it starts. The truth is that men and women are actually very much alike even though the ways we behave and express ourselves can make it seem like “men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” Both men and women are from Earth and we can call learn to change and enjoy the ride!